Chapter One: Introduction
There are all types of managers: financial managers, McDonald's managers, Britney Spears' manager, paper company managers, moms, baseball managers… the list goes on. Not all those people are naturally good at their jobs. Some have to work really hard at it. Others write books about it. I'm Michael Scott and this is my manual, "Somehow I Manage." If you follow my guidelines, soon you'll be the world's second best manager (Sorry, I'll always be #1. I have a mug that proves it.)
Chapter Two: Gum
Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum.
Chapter Three: Think Simple
That last chapter seemed skimpy, huh? That's where you're wrong pal. It was simple. And simple is good. Getting people on your side is as easy as offering them some gum. *Don't ever give your employees Tic Tacs though, that will make you seem like a grandma.
Gum Guy is nice, laid-back and cool. He's the type of manager who people want to hang out with after work and tell their life stories to. And you should tell them your whole life story too! That will make everyone close and happy, and happy families get more stuff done together than enemies do. Just look at Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie - they could be making awesome father/daughter movies, but instead they hate each other and barely talk. Such a missed opportunity.
Chapter Four: Equality
Treat people like equals and always make them feel good about themselves. It will pay off. For example, my ex-friend Packer once implied that my employee Phyllis wasn't hot.
I couldn't have that kind of negativity floating around. So I hugged Phyllis and told her I was worried about getting a boner. It made her feel wonderful. Later on that day she made two big sales. Another time I kissed a gay accountant during a meeting to show how accepting I was of his sexual orientation. He was going to quit before that, but guess what? It's been five years since that kiss, and he's still here.
I couldn't have that kind of negativity floating around. So I hugged Phyllis and told her I was worried about getting a boner. It made her feel wonderful. Later on that day she made two big sales. Another time I kissed a gay accountant during a meeting to show how accepting I was of his sexual orientation. He was going to quit before that, but guess what? It's been five years since that kiss, and he's still here.
Chapter Five: Entertain
"For some trips, high-speed rail will be faster than flying. Without the pat down."
Who said it? Cosby? Tosh.0? Nope. Obama! Even the President tells jokes. That just goes to show how important comedy is. As a leader, people expect you to entertain them. Some managers might find this difficult because they're busy doing other things like paperwork or employee reviews. Delegate all that boring stuff to other people so you have more time to entertain. Comedy should always take precedence over everything else because it makes people cheerful, and when they're cheerful they work better. Someone once told me comedy is where the mind goes to tickle itself, and that couldn't be truer. Make sure your employees' minds are getting tickled on a daily basis. They'll be so grateful, and so will you.
